Clean Up On Aisle 6

So, for my living I do outside sales for the L.A. Times. This is my day job while I pursue a career in acting, for which I spent 4 cold years in western NY studying. This job entails me sitting in a grocery store and asking people if they "got their 20 bucks for their shopping." Most of the time I get a, "What?" Some times I get a, "Oh, no thanks." And sometimes I get threatened or called a Communist. 

Here is a tale I would love to recount for you now. 

"SWAG"

Now as part of the display, we at the L.A. Times like to wow our customers, so we place neon colored SWAG on the booth. These bright pencils and surfboard-bottle-opener-keychains do the trick to catch the eye. So much so, that often it is hard to get the homeless people to leave. They "haven't seen somethin' so pretty in days gon' by." ( the dialect is written in because not everyone know what someone with less then 6 teeth sounds like.) I usually have to bribe them to leave, however, this is only after they tell me the story of how they came to live on the streets with their cats. Don't get me wrong, I am somewhat compassionate. It's just that, if enough of them loiter around me, I too well end up homeless. At least I won't bother the L.A. Times guy while I am buying my white bread and Steel Reserve. 

But anyway, back to the point. For some reason, there is a certain people that loves to take the SWAG. And I don't mean just one for themselves, or for the little one in the cart next to them. No. I mean "3 of each color so that the kids don't fight." Granted, I don't pay for the free stuff, but it seems that if you don't get the paper, I don't offer you something that matches your outfit, or you didn't just yell at me and I'm trying to calm you down, you should not walk away from my booth with enough graphite to write a short novel. (Who uses pencils these days anyway? Ever hear of ink?) 

Now, SWAG also plays a big part in my day. Being that I spend around 6 hours in a grocery store talking to complete strangers, I have found ways to entertain myself. The first one being: hitting on pretty girls (even if they have kids). Now there are a few standard moves I like to pull, and believe me, I know none of them are smooth, cute, funny, or have ever worked. 

1) As a pretty girl walks past I hand her a bright pink pencil and say, "Oh my God, It's your favorite color. Don't thank me, just take it."

2) If a girl happens to be buying flowers I like to give her, what I like to call, the Jim Halpert face and say, "You know, It's really sweet you are buying me flowers. Your boyfriend would be mad if he found out."

3) This one I only use if the girl is really hot, and I am feeling somewhat brave. I get a quick look at what is in their cart. If they are buying some sort of meat I make a comment about not eating meat. When the girl asks, "What?" I say, "You're cooking us dinner tonight, right? I thought we had a date."

After these encounters the girl usually walks away with some sort of free junk I gave her, and I usually sit there. Alone. Without a new phone number.  Again, I know that none of these are lines that would work on anyone. But if you spent 6 hours in a freezing cold grocery store, you would hit on girls too. Unless you are a girl. Or maybe you still would. 

There are more tales from the Foodmart to come.