Pornstar Karaoke

Never in my life did I think that I would be in the same room with Ron Jeremy, Carlton from Fresh Prince and Joey Fatone at the same time. Also, never did I think that there would be something called, "Pornstar Karaoke."

The other night it was my friend Greg's birthday. For his birthday, he decided he wanted to go to Sardo's, a local bar, and attend Karaoke night. Now this is no ordinary karaoke night. This night is filled with collegian and silicone. Apparently, every tuesday night, after getting off...work, the local pornstars like to blow...off steam by singing a little ditty or two and taking two for one...kamikaze shots. (Yeah, I know the last one didn't work, but it's the rules of three.)

So, after work I stop home and do my usual song and dance about not being sure if I want to go out or not. I ask my friend Adam what I should do, and he gives me an open ended answer that does me no good at all. Soon enough, I decide I'm going. The threatening text from my housemate sped up the decision. So I put on a shirt, one I forgot I had, and left for the bar. 

Upon arriving I saw two very pretty ladies at the door. Pretty, but not pornstars. Damn. After getting my I.D. checked and hand stamped and my credit checked I was allowed to see my friends, who for the most part, have all arrived. To my dismay, there are no pornstars in the joint. I was promised stars of the porn variety, and someone better deliver. So I make my 'Hello' rounds and start casing the joint. The ratio in this place is not in my favor, unless I was looking for middle aged lonely men who wanted to lament about their lonely, lonely lives. Not tonight, Dr. Phil. Honestly, our group was the only one with girls in it. Now I know that I said there were two pretty girls at the door. They were either a plant, or the creepy dude who was giving out roses to all the 'lucky' ladies scared them off. Either is possible in this town. 

So after avoiding the waitress for as long as I could, she sneaks up behind me and gently whispers in my ear that there is a two drink minimum. Now, I didn't plan on drinking. I had to two the next day and I wanted to just be in bed. But, if I am going to pay for drinks at a bar, I am going to get drinks at a bar. So, I told her to bring me a beer, and moments later there is a cold Amstel in my hand. Great. 

Now karaoke is in full swing. And I mean it. Bad renditions of rap songs, and way too much 80's. I mean, I love the 80's. But I didn't even know most of these songs. Anyway. After talking to a few people, and eating a few mini-cupcakes, all preverbal hell breaks loose. At the same time; Ron, Carlton ( I don't know his real name), and Joey all walk in. I miss it because I am knee deep in the most delicious frosting I have ever tasted. My friends tell that Carlton and Joey went into the bathroom and I start to watch the door like a Hawk. To be honest, I could care less about Joey or Ron. I really just want to see that kid who was on Fresh Prince. After about 20 minutes of agonizing renditions of Eminem and Lifehouse, finally, Carlton exits the bathroom in all his now chunky glory. Boy, did he look...older. This night just got awesome, and there aren't even any pornstars there yet. (Other then Ron Jeremy, but I don't count him.) 

So all the dudes in the group decide to sing a song together and Bohemian  Rhapsody is the classic we decide to butcher. So there we are in front of about 200 people singing our hearts out. We were ok. Thats all I have to say. Some of us are better than other. Namely they were all better than me. That's ok, I have come to terms with it. But, during the whole song I can't help thinking that Carlton is hearing me sing. It is so odd to be in the same place as someone who you watched on TV as a child so often. 

Now, it was getting late (midnight). I was getting tired, so I decided to say my goodbyes. I made the rounds and gave one last disappointed look over the crowd. If they are going to call it Pornstar Karaoke, at least have some pornstars there. Really. False Advertisement.  However, as I am leaving I see that Ron Jeremy is sitting right behind us. Perched in a booth as if he were 10 years old watching a show on the animal planet. People were taking pictures with him, and he just looked so bored. I'm sure it gets old. But, as I am leaving I turn to him, hive him a look and say, "Dude, more people have seen your dick than know what the capitol of North Dakota is." He smiled. I smiled. 

I got in my car and drove home. All in all, it was a good night. However, I feel like I didn't get the whole experience. Next time, I sure hope there are some pornstars. Maybe they won't be to busy to do me...a favor and show up. (Again, not that good of a joke, but I did what I could.)